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Anita Mui revealed her loneliness after retiring from stage

Hong Kong Weekly

Anita Mui      March 12, 1992

 

Anita Mui has been interviewed for many times since she started her career.  She is so straight -forward in all her interviews.  But the article in [Hong Kong Weekly] was the most straight forward one, because it was written by herself.  She herself revealed directly things happened around her and her relationship with people including relatives, friends and lovers.

[Hong Kong Weekly] asked me to write about myself, at first I didn't know what to say, also I was afraid that I could not write well.  Then I found that I had time, so might as well I wrote it.

When I started, I really didn't know how to start.  Contemplating for a long time, I decided to write my life after I retired from stage.

Many people asked me, after I left the stage, if I have more time, and can do more my own things, even having night life all the time.  If you think in that way, you are totally wrong.  In fact, I have more time now, but I don't do anything.  Since the concert, I have stayed at home most of the time, seldom go out, and no night life.  Do you know what I do at home?  Sometimes, I would sleep, sometimes, I don't do anything, hanging around in the sitting room for half a day.  You might not believe me, but this is the fact.  Therefore if you want me to describe  how I spent the 2 months,  I tell you just like that, don't know what to do.  Maybe it is because I have had such a break for a long time, so I don't know how to kill time.  But, recently I begin to woke up, my soul came back, now I'm planning what I should do.

Some fans asked me, would I go back to school to study?  I don't think so, as I'm growing older, my memory is getting worse, school life doesn't suit me.  However, I normally read many translated foreign story books, also the English teaching books by Josephine Siu and Lau Kar Kit.  I try to enhance myself.   I didn't have too much schooling,   I wanted to study before but no time.  Now I will take this opportunity to read more and increase my knowledge.  I read all kinds of books, science fictions, love stories, short stories.  Ip Shu is more self centred, big woman; Yam Sum more general; King Yau comparatively sad script.

Actually, besides reading, I like to learn calligraphy most.  I feel calligraphy can help a person in acquiring peace.  Working in entertainment circle, our mood can't be too stable, sometimes we have to calm down from the excited and complicated sentiment, trying to have patience.  Also it can be my spiritual food.  If your handwriting is beautiful, other people would respect you more.  this is how I feel personally.

Maybe you would ask me, will Anita Mui be contented with a simple life?  In the past, I would not.  Though it is a bit boring, I like the tranquility, very peaceful.  Even it is not really entirely simple normal life, but I can try to enjoy loneliness.  Actually it is very difficult to understand, I'm still doing research on that.  Friends around me all wonder how can the change in my life come so quickly?  I think this is because the state of attitude, they still believe there will be big ups and downs in  my emotions , they don't believe I can be in a stable condition.  But, right now I'm just like that.  Tell you frankly, when I don't have to work, I'm not different from normal people.  I'm just like you and anyone.  Only because I appear on the screen, so I have another identity, and people will notice me easily, whatever we do, even friends around us, especially people of opposite sex.  Actually every time when I was dating, I was under great pressure, that is why I never have too much expectation for my love life, but it doesn't mean I don't treasure all the relationship.  From a practical point of view, no expectation, then there will be no disappointment.

Many people care about my relationship with Ben Lam.  If you ask me if I have confidence in this relationship, I will say 50-50, not because I don't sink my teeth into it, but I don't like to demand too much on purpose, let everything go natural.

Every time when I'm dating, people would think it won't have a good ending.  I don't really care what they say.  But to be honest, I like Ah Ben because he is very true and reliable.  Nothing special about him, not really talented.  He is reliable that makes me feel very secured, I believe he never has lied to me.  I'm very sensitive, if the other party lies to me, I will know it easily.  I realized that my previous boyfriend lied to me, so I would finish that relationship, as I don't like my life afterwards full of tears.

Many people feel that Ah Ben is under more pressure than I am, because I am more successful in my career.  At first, he really didn't feel comfortable about it, but now he is used to it, and he doesn't feel inferior as you think.  In fact, I have been regarded as a successful  career woman for many years already, now I long for a family.  Before marriage, woman wants to have a career, so life will be more colorful.  But if meeting  someone who is suitable to be my life companion, I'm willing to give up career life, and be a good wife and mother.  Maybe you don't know, I like kids very much, I took care of kids for my neighbors when I was in my teens;  once I saw a child slipped when walking down the steep road,  in order to protect him, I hurt my own arm.  If I have my own children in the future, I definitely will love them very much.  I don't mind having a simple life;  because being simpler, I will be happier too.

In the past, I regard "love" as high up there and unreachable.  In the past 5 romances, the one impressed me most was when I was 21, it gave me a very pure and true feeling, maybe it was because I was in love with a foreigner.  It didn't happen in Hong Kong, no pressure, so I was more involved.

But, as growing up, attitude towards romance already changed, and I won't have the feeling of a young girl anymore.  However, I strongly believe fate for marriage is determined by heaven.  Besides that, I can almost control every thing myself.

I say "almost" is because there are something beyond my control  -----   my family members.  Family is still a very heavy burden for me, but I never thought I was even betrayed by my family member.  The betrayal by my brother is a very heavy blow to me, it will affect my life.  If I am betrayed by my friends, I will regard myself as with no eye.  But he is my brother, my own relative, I have no choice.  I don't understand, we all have a pair of hands, a pair of feet, how can he do that.  He doesn't do anything, but waiting for me to support him.  Originally it is quite normal to take care of the family, but all have grown up, and all should have capability to make a living.  It is not fair to me, why is it like this?

I know many people want me to die, some foretold that I will be in very sad condition during my old age.  In the past when I heard all these, I felt very unhappy.  but now I won't feel unhappy, instead I would thank them;  because you want to see my ending like that?  I won't let you see it, I will try very hard to prove to those people that they are wrong.

During recent years, I do a lot of charities.  Also I asked myself if I have any weakness in my character.  I am very cooperative with media people.  In private, I'm loyal to friends, never say bad things about them.  Of course, who doesn't gossip about other people, but depends on how serious.  My private life is very conscientious, I'm very good to friends.  If people still want to say that about me, let them do so.  Anyway, whatever they say can't control my fate, only I can control my own fate.

Within these few days, I already started working, acting in [Justice my Foot].  Since I finished [Savior my Soul], I haven't worked for any film for more than 4 months.  Now I start to work for a film, I 'm not used to it, seems that I couldn't concentrate.  After I quit stage, I will mainly work for films.  But I won't work like before.  Once for a film, I didn't sleep for 3 nights and 3 days in a row.  At that time I was still full of energy.  But I won't do that anymore, not worth doing like that for health.  Now I will only work for one film one day, and can't work more than 8 hours per day;  physically I can't cope anymore, really too tired!  Also I suffer from insomnia most of the time,  I often rely on sleeping pills, but not effective all the time.  In average I only have 5 hours sound sleep.  I wake up easily.  My mother said that is because I'm busy for family.  Not so good, I hope in future I don't have to be busy for my family.

《香港周刊》   

艷芳親筆寫出退休後的寂寞

 梅艷芳出道以來,接受過無數的訪問,每次訪問都是那麼的坦率,儘管如此,《香周》這篇心聲仍然是阿梅自己認為最徹底的一次──情真意切;因為是她首次執筆,不經任何人,最直接將自己這些年身邊的人與事,無論親情、友情、愛情都毫不掩飾的剖白出來。

 香周找我在「還我情真」這個欄寫自己的心底話。最初我也不知寫什麼才好;又怕自己寫得不好,後來見自己既然有時間,又不妨寫一趟。

 執筆時,真的不知從何開始寫,左思右想後,不如由我告別舞台後的生活開始寫罷。

很多人問我,你告別舞台後,是不是比以前多了時間用、可以多做自己o野、甚至夜夜笙歌?如果你們這樣想,那就錯了。事實在時間上確是多了,但我卻沒做過什麼。自從演唱會之後,我大部分時間都是在家中度過,很少出街,也沒有夜夜笙歌。你們可知我在家中做些什麼?我有時會睡覺、有時會無所事事,自己可以呆在廳裡大半天也行的,你或許會不相信,但這是真的。所以若要我形容這兩個月是如何度過,我可以告訴你是渾渾噩噩的。可能太久沒有這麼長的時間靜止下來,因此不知如何將時間打發才是。不過,最近開始清醒了些,魂魄也開始回來,計劃自己應該做些什麼。

有些歌迷問我,可有打算重過校園生活?這個我想不會了;隨著年紀增長,記憶能力也開始衰退,校園生活不適合我的,但我平時也有睇一些外國翻譯小說,還有蕭芳芳、劉家傑教英文的課本,從中自我進修學習,我本身讀書不多,曾經想讀又沒有時間,所以趁現在有些時間便多看書讓自己吸收多些知識。我什麼書都看,科幻、愛情、小品都有,亦舒寫的比較自我、大女人,嚴沁就大眾化些,瓊瑤就比較悲情。

其實,除了睇書之外,我現在最想學的是書法,我覺得寫書法是可以令一個人心境平靜,像我們做戲這一行,情緒波動很大,有時也得將緊張、複雜的情緒平伏下來訓練耐性,且可以給我精神寄託。如果你寫字寫得靚的話,別人會對你敬重多幾分,這是我個人的感覺。

也許你們會問,梅艷芳會甘於這種平淡生活嗎?如果是以前我真的不會,雖然是悶了些,但我喜歡那份安寧感覺,很恬靜。雖然未致於絢爛歸於平淡,可是我已開始嘗試享受寂寞,其實這是一門很高深的學問,我也在鑽研中。我身邊的朋友都奇怪我這次人生的轉變轉得這麼快?我想這是心境問題吧,他們也以為我的心境很大起大跌的,不相信我會處於中庸之間。但,現在的我就是這樣。坦白說,我不用開工的時候跟普通人沒有分別,我和你和他一樣,只不過我們在螢幕上出現,多了一個身分,所以很容易令人注意得到,無論是我們的一舉一動,甚至乎環繞我們身邊的朋友,特別是異性朋友。其實我每次拍拖所受的外間壓力很大,所以對感情方面一向都期望不大,但這並不等於我不珍惜感情,以實際角度去看,沒有期望就不會有失望。

我想很多人都關心我和阿斌(林國斌)的感情問題。假如你問我對這段情可有信心?我可以答你一半一半,並非我不投入,而是不刻意去強求,一切順其自然。

我每一次拍拖,外間都不睇好,我也不當一回事,由你們去說什麼也好,但很老實,我喜歡阿斌是因為他性格真純、可靠,他這個人沒什麼特別,也不是很有才華,唯獨是可靠最令我安心,我深信他沒有對我說過半句謊言。我這個人很敏感的,如果對方向我說謊,我很容易知道,即使是半句。以前的男朋友就是被我發覺這樣,所以我自己抽身出來,不想日後的日子經常哭哭啼啼。

不少人認為阿斌跟我一起,比我所受的壓力還要大,因為我在事業上比他強。最初,他真有點不好受,但他現在開始習慣下來,也沒你們所想的自卑。老實說,我戴了女強人的面具也有好多年,現在很渴望有個家。所謂女強人,其實是在未婚前,能有一番事業,令人生燦爛些,但假若遇到合意而可托終生的對象,我甘於放棄自己的事業,做一個賢妻良母。也許你們不知道,我本身很喜歡小孩子的,我十歲多已經幫鄰居照顧小朋友;有一次看見一個小朋友落斜,一個不小心滑倒地上,為了保護那小朋友,弄得自己手臂也扭傷。如果我將來有孩子,我一定很疼惜他們,我不介意過平淡的生活;因為平淡D、人也開心D。

以前我看「愛情」這兩個字是至高無上的。過去五段情之中,給我最大的感受是廿一歲那年的一段情,那份很純、很真的感覺很強,可能是異國情緣,並非發生在香港,沒有壓力,愛也來得投入。

不過,隨著歲月流逝,當年少女時代的情懷已不再,對愛情的態度已改觀了。但,我仍深信姻緣是天註定,除了這個,幾乎所有事我都可掌握在自己手中。

 我之所以說「幾乎」,是因為有些事還不到我控制──我的家人。家人對我來說仍是一個很重的擔挑,但我沒想到自己竟然會給家人出賣。我哥哥對我的出賣,給我一次很大的打擊,會影響整個人生,如果我被朋友出賣,可以當作有眼無珠,但,他是我哥哥,自己的親人,沒得走。我都不明白,大家同樣有一雙手、一對腳,怎麼他可以要這樣,什麼都不做,等我養他。本來照顧家人是應該的,但大家也這麼大,同樣有謀生能力。這樣對我不公平,為何要這樣子?

我知道很多人都想我死,還批死我晚景淒涼,以前我聽到這些說話,我會很不開心,但現在不但沒有不開心,反而要多謝他們的一番話;因為你們要看我這樣收場嗎?我偏要不給你們看,自己要更加爭氣,令睇死我的人都跌眼鏡。

近幾年,我不斷做善事,自問有甚麼差品德?同記者又相當合作。私底下,我忠於朋友,從沒說過人半句壞話。當然,試問誰不說人是非,但也得分輕重。自問私生活也十分檢點,過得自己,對得住朋友。可是人家也這樣說我,由他們喜歡吧,反正他們的說話不能控制我的命運,只有自己,命運在我手。

這幾天,我已開始回復工作,演出《審死官》一片,自從拍完《九一神鵰俠侶》後,也有四個月多沒有拍電影,今次再開工,真的有點不慣,好像魂魄未回來。不過,告別舞台之後,我會以電影為主,但不會像以前拍戲般,我試過為拍一部戲連續三日三夜沒睡過一覺,當年的精力,今日不復再,亦無謂捱殘自己,現在拍戲一日一組精神好,工作時間不可超過八個小時;我體力真的會支持不住,好辛苦o架!而且我本身仍經常有失眠,好多時都要服安眠藥,但也未必有效,平均每晚只得五個鐘頭熟睡。我這個人很醒訓的,阿媽話人醒訓為家忙,不大好的,我希望自己將來不用為家忙。

梅艷芳

1992年3月12日